Tension

I don’t exactly know what happens to me when I’m at a meeting trying to explain things to people. I always feel tense when I leave the call.

I wonder if I have acted kindly, or if I have acted aggressively. During the actual event, I don’t feel angry – but the tension is palpable within myself once I leave. I feel coiled up, my senses are in alert mode. As if I just got out of a fight or car accident. As if I had just murdered the Godfather and knew the family was waiting at every corner, looking to extract the blood-price.

I think that what I lack in these situations is to be in the moment. I’m always trying to think two steps in advance, trying to anticipate answers and questions and thinking about how how to follow through.

I know this is not how I do my best work. My best work, I do by being present. And I’m also less tense, if present. Better work, less stress. There is no downside. But to do so isn’t natural. It requires practice.

Tomorrow is another day to practice.